Using Positive Reinforcement to Influence the Behavior of Others

Steps for behavioral change in others by using behaviorism with rewards.

Key points

It is not always easy to change other people's behavior, especially when we have to keep up a good relationship with them.
Fortunately, using operant conditioning with positive reinforcement can change behavior, avoid punishment, and improve relationships.
The process is about identifying and rewarding positive behaviors in others, while providing alternatives for negative behaviors.
This 'differential reinforcement of alternative behaviors' is a general strategy that can help you in work, life, and loving relationships too.

One of the main influences on our behavior is the consequences of our actions, especially those that come shortly after we perform that action. For example, when a behavior is followed by positive and satisfying consequences, we are more likely to do it again. In contrast, when a behavior is met with negative and unpleasant consequences, we are less likely to repeat it. That simple feedback process is a large component of how we learn many of the behaviors we perform in life. It was first discovered by Thorndike (1911) and called the Law of Effect.

That process was later systematized by B.F. Skinner (1938) into Operant Conditioning, also known as Behaviorism or Behavior Modification. According to Skinner (1953; 1974), behavior is modified by one of the following consequences that follow it:

Reinforcement increases the frequency of a behavior by providing something rewarding and pleasurable (Positive Reinforcement) or taking away something unpleasant and noxious (Negative Reinforcement).
Punishment decreases the frequency of a behavior by providing something unpleasant and noxious (Positive Punishment) or taking away something that is rewarding and pleasurable (Negative Punishment).
Extinction decreases a behavior by providing neither favorable nor unfavorable consequences. When a behavior is ignored and not reinforced, it eventually goes away.

Skinner further noted differences among the three types of consequences above for the well-being of individuals. Most notably, he found that punishment tends to cause frustration and only temporarily suppresses unwanted behavior. In other words, people who are punished may become defiant and still perform the behavior, but only when they know they will not get caught doing it. Therefore, it is often more influential to ignore and extinguish unwanted behavior, while promoting and reinforcing a desired behavior instead (called Differential Reinforcement of Alternative Behavior). As a result, selectively rewarding someone for what you would like them to do, while ignoring and redirecting their unwanted behaviors, is often the most effective strategy for behavior change. It is also kinder, less frustrating to others, and better for your relationship with them too.

Using the Right Positive Reinforcement

Taking that idea further, Turner, Foa, and Foa (1971) focused on resources that act as positive reinforcement specifically in human interactions. Under the right circumstances, providing any of the resources they identified can be rewarding to people. Therefore, when you are interested in shaping the behavior of someone else, providing one of these resources as a consequence is a good place to start. Specifically, their list includes:

Love: expressions of affectionate regard, warmth, or comfort.
Status: expressions of evaluative judgment, conveying prestige, regard, or esteem.
Services: activities performed for another person, such as labor.
Information: advice, opinions, or instructions.
Goods: tangible products and objects.
Money: currency that has some unit of exchange value.

More recent research by Cooper-Thomas, Xu, and Saks, (2018) explored the effect of these resources on employee engagement in a workplace setting. Their analysis indicated that all of the resources had positive effects on engagement and behavior of employees. Nevertheless, some resources were more influential as positive reinforcement than others. Specifically, the more personal forms of reward (love, status, and service) had the biggest impact on engagement—particularly when the resources were delivered in the forms of workplace learning and development, and aligned with the organizational mission and purpose. Thus, while positive reinforcement, in general, tends to produce the most favorable results, using more personal resources as rewards appears to increase that effect even more. Similar results have been found for the use of reward in romantic relationships as well.

Changing the Behavior of Others for the Better

Given all that, the best way to change the behavior of someone else is through selective reinforcement with positive consequences. Put simply, that means you need to reward the behaviors you want them to perform again, while also not rewarding and redirecting them away from the behaviors you would like them to stop. To do this correctly, however, you need to keep a few things in mind.

Learn what is reinforcing to the individual. Affectionate regard, positive attention, kind words, and help can all be reinforcing at particular times. Furthermore, each person may have their own unique preferences. One person might prefer a compliment, while another might prefer help with a problem. To truly become influential, learn what someone specifically finds rewarding. Then, use it to better shape their behaviors and your relationship with them.
Identify positive and negative behaviors. All behaviors are not equal. Some are better than others for an individual's well-being, their performance, or the continuation of your relationship with them. Thus, it is important to tell the difference, especially noting the behaviors that are positive and constructive. After all, those will be the ones you will need to reward in the future (while learning to ignore and re-direct the rest).
Reward positive behaviors immediately. For consequences to be most effective, they should occur right after the behavior. When you identify the other person performing a positive behavior, be sure to reward it in the moment (especially with an expression of regard and support). Even small positive behaviors should be reinforced with attention and a smile. If the situation warrants, follow up with further positive reinforcement too.
Ignore and redirect negative behaviors. Many people make the mistake of paying attention to someone who is acting in a hurtful, grumpy, or obstinate way. Unfortunately, that attention reinforces those bad behaviors and makes them continue. Furthermore, although it might feel tempting in the moment, a reliance on punishment only leads to bad relationships. Therefore, it is best to use extinction and differential reinforcement of alternative behaviors. Put simply, do not give them attention for the negative behavior (extinction), refocus them on doing something positive (alternative behavior), and then reward them for that alternative behavior (differential reinforcement). That approach improves the relationship with whoever you are redirecting and rewarding too.

Cooper-Thomas, H. D., Xu, J., & Saks, A. M. (2018). The differential value of resources in predicting employee engagement. Journal of Managerial Psychology, 33(4/5), 326-344.

Skinner, B. F. (1938). The behavior of organisms: An experimental analysis. Cambridge, Massachusetts: B.F. Skinner Foundation.

Skinner, B. F. (1953). Science and human behavior. New York: The Free Press.

Skinner, B.F. (1974). About behaviorism. New York: Random House.

Thorndike, E. L. (1911). Animal intelligence. New York: Macmillan.

Turner, J. L., Foa, E. B., & Foa, U G. (1971). Interpersonal reinforcers: Classification, interrelationship, and some differential properties. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2, 168-180.